These articles are a good starting point: With depression, day-to-day tasks can feel overwhelming. But this is usually a symptom of the depression itself. Sounds exhausting, right? Sadness usually passes fairly quickly, while depression can linger and affect mood, relationships, work, school, and all other aspects of life for months or even years. We want to let our friend know that we also feel their pain and anger by expressing it back to them. This uncomfortable feeling can lead to frustration and a misguided belief that the depressed person isn’t “trying” to get better. The depth of the pain of a person with depression pain can be frightening for their friends. The Steps to Helping 1. We can get our own feelings out on our own: we can meditate and pray and journal and speak with good friends close to the situation. From there, the friend may think, “If my support was helping, my friend wouldn’t still be depressed” and this leads them to give up on the friendship completely. As powerful as it is to shine a light for someone who’s ready to emerge, it is equally powerful to sit with them in the darkness until they’re ready. The first step to helping someone is to eliminate judgment and criticism. You can help your friend list things to ask potential therapists and things they want to mention in their first session. You’re not alone. She vented. Everything that happens to us serves as a lesson in our path. My heart broke along with hers. Say something like, “I can’t imagine how hard that is to deal with. Our first job is to support. The same goes for medication. Letting your friend know you still care about them as they continue to work through depression can help. Be present. Individuals with depression need to know…, Managing mental illness, including depression, is different for every individual. Thank you! Gottman calls this “witnessing” your loved one’s distress. Depression can make it hard to get out of bed in the morning, especially when it’s kept you up all night or given you restless sleep. The thing people want most when they’re hurting is for you to act as a sounding board and to show understanding and empathy. She didn’t care about getting pregnant again, better places, or higher reasons. They may have to try a few different counseling approaches or medications before they find one that helps their symptoms. Such a gift for you to let yourself cry for and with her. One of my pet peeves is society’s constant pressure and expectation to put on a happy face and pretend everything’s okay, while inside things are desperately broken. Stop yourself. with that woman…to our house. Ask them to join you in watching a funny film. When her door’s closed, it means she’s with another client, so I sit in the hallway, in one of the two wobbly wooden chairs the building provides for each tenant, and wait. They say that “misery loves company” but that isn’t always the case. Try not to let it get to you if they seem to lash out at you in anger or frustration, keep canceling plans (or forget to follow up), or don’t want to do much of anything. The objective is not to fix their problems or tell them what to do. Many are uncomfortable with pain and sadness and haven't been taught how to respond truly compassionately to other people's suffering. UPLIFT stands for Unity, Peace and Love in the Field of Transcendence, Terms & Conditions    Privacy Policy    © 2020 UPLIFT. And by letting their pain take precedence. If you put all your energy into supporting your friend, you’ll have very little left for yourself. Whether you're a teen or senior, immigrant or veteran, loneliness affects everyone differently. Forgiving means letting go of the resentment, anger, and pain. Jen (not her real name) was clearly not her usual self. An article from the Mayo Clinic states that laughter has amazing short and long term effects. Dr. She was still wounded but there was an element of acceptance in her pain, a faint glow of light within the darkness. Show empathy and interest with your body language. Beautifully written, I need this right now. Dr. Saltz says, “They may just want you to be there and sit quietly with them. Thanks for sharing your experience. Read up on the symptoms, causes, diagnostic criteria, and treatments on your own. We cannot escape the disruption of events that happen throughout the journey. We are filled with dread and desperation. This person may not be aware that what they are doing is wrong, or what is going on inside them, or they may not even care,” she says. We want to rise to defend them. This fear may result in friends pulling away. Meet them. I know I can’t make you feel better, but just remember you aren’t alone.”. Here Are 7 Ways to Show Support, 21 Questions to Ask When Your Partner Is Depressed, 7 Physical Symptoms That Prove Depression Is Not Just ‘In Your Head’, How to Help Someone with an Alcohol Addiction, Sometimes Self-Care Is Selfish — and That’s OK, How to Get Out of Bed When Depression Is Keeping You Down, How to Deal with Loneliness in Today’s World: Your Options for Support, appear more pessimistic than usual or hopeless about the future, talk about feeling guilty, empty, or worthless, seem less interested in spending time together or communicate less frequently than they normally would, get upset easily or are unusually irritable, have less energy, move slowly, or seem generally listless, have less interest in their appearance than usual or neglect basic hygiene, such as showering and brushing their teeth, have trouble sleeping or sleep much more than usual, care less about their usual activities and interests, seem forgetful or have trouble concentrating or deciding on things. When they hurt, we hurt. Depression can zap energy and increase the desire to self-isolate. We live in the duality of happiness and sad, dark and light, balance and imbalance. People often think of pain as a purely physical sensation. Josie was cry-talking, weeping, sobbing as soon as I picked up her call. We want to slay their dragons. You can also take your friend to an emergency room. Friends may find it difficult to see their friend in so much pain. Your friend may not be aware they’re dealing with depression, or they may be unsure how to reach out for support. I know as I get older, more and more people around me will be aging and suffering too so this is so important for me to learn. As you sit with the pain of others, how do you release it from within yourself When you are no longer with that person? Use empathy and compassion to help them through. Offer to help them create a safety plan to use if they think they might act on those thoughts. I sunk into the massage table as the enormity of what she said dropped into me. If you need to let your friend know you won’t be available for a while, you might say something like, “I can’t talk until X time. © 2020 Remedy Health Media, LLC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Friendship and Depression: How to Support a Friend Who’s in Emotional Pain, Depression Central: Tell Me All I Need to Know About Depression, Food + Mood: A Natural Approach to Treating Depression, Mood Food: Cauliflower Pancake with Salmon and Avocado Puree, The Treatment-Resistant Depression Checklist, The Dilemma of High Functioning Depression, 5 Things You Can Do Now to Overcome Depression, Sadness or Depression? Let your friend know you are there for them. Tell stories of happy moments in the past. Express how we feel. Even successful treatment doesn’t always mean depression goes away entirely. I nodded and listened. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Keep letting them talk. The first step to helping someone is to eliminate judgment and criticism. Stepping out into the hallway and turning back for a long melting hug, I sensed the profound shift in her energy, vastly different from when I had walked in an hour ago. There is nothing that can be done to ease someone’s pain and sometimes, it leaves friends and family at a loss for words. Share experiences. Heal their hearts. It’s difficult to witness a loved one going through an emotional crisis. Some signs that might indicate your friend is having serious suicidal thoughts include: If you think your friend is considering suicide, urge them to call their therapist while you’re with them or ask your friend if you can call for them. You can’t convince someone that they aren’t depressed—it doesn’t work that way.” As Bernat eloquently states, “Try not to fix us—your pressure to be ‘normal’ can make us depressed people feel like we’re disappointing you…The inability to ‘just get over it’ IS depression.”, Dr. People that are clinically depressed tend to feel hopeless, worthless and exhausted by simple day to day functions. Dr. Saltz says, “You want your friend to know that you understand that he feels bad without allowing the depression itself to pull you in.”, When supporting a friend with depression, try not to take what they say or do personally. By Tree Franklyn on Wednesday February 21st, 2018, When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark. Doing this actually changes the resilience in the brain (through a genetic switch), which can help that person see their problems in a new light and start sorting through their issues.”, Sometimes your friend may not want to talk and that’s okay too. Years ago, I had a friend who was going through a rough patch. Remember to be kind, gentle and compassionate with those who are hurt. Engage with your friend by using active listening techniques: Your friend may not feel like talking the first time you ask, so it can help to continue telling them you care. This is the way everyone should act especialy with post traumatic injury survivors, the eldrerly. I appreciated this article and enjoyed the photos too. But continuing to be a positive, supportive presence in your friend’s life may make all the difference to them, even if they can’t express that to you at the moment. According to a study in the University of Michigan, nature walks enhance mental health and positivity. I wait in the hallway just outside her rented studio, a large walk-in closet-size room in a building filled with hundreds of similar rooms, each rented to private individuals running their small passion businesses. I want to help but i am prone towards depression and feeling overwhelmed. Being outdoors helps improve your outlook, focusing abilities, and help strengthen your immune system. I have a question. Suicide affects people of all ages, genders, races, and ethnicities. It came and went in waves and I became acutely aware of the rhythm of her breathing as it converged with mine and became one. Reminding that person of better times helps to jolt the senses. But with all the fantastic people i... Do you have mental strength? Originally posted on Tiny Buddha, Simple wisdom for complex lives. But past emotional wounds or unmet needs might make some of us feel resistant to accepting help from others. We want to rage and rant. Except this time, on this fateful day, the door opened and I was greeted by an overwhelming sense of sorrow spilling out of the room with a vengeance; as if it had been trapped for decades. Likewise, if you personally don’t believe in medication, avoid the subject when talking to them. We love our friends, but so few of us seem to know how to help. Bless you! As she closes the door, I take off my clothes and lie on the table face down, exchanging small talk about any happenings since we last saw one another. Leaf says, “This doesn’t mean that you fully comprehend what they are going through and we should never presume to; rather, it’s your compassion that validates their experiences by acknowledging that their pain is real. But when you are suffering from clinical depression, withdrawing from friends and other loved ones can actually be harmful to your health. So, we learn to put on a cheerful façade for casual interactions, like buying a pumpkin spice latte. It’s not wrong to want to help a friend, but it’s also important to take care of your own needs. “When you feel yourself spinning again, can you try breathing? It goes against our natural urge to want to help, but often, this present moment acceptance of the deep emotions flowing through a person is exactly what they need to help them move through it, in their own time. Caroline Leaf, a clinical psychologist explains, “People can be difficult when they are depressed, but we should not take this personally, which often happens when one friend is depressed and tends to lash out at the other friend. If they say something like, “I think I’m going to cancel my therapy appointment,” encourage them to stick with it. A layer of desolation hung in the air like an invisible mist, ominous and untouchable, yet so thick I felt as though I could reach out and grab a handful in my fist, like wet cement, oozing out between my fingers. The average barista doesn’t want to know that a customer is trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul.”, Avoid giving advice or saying, ‘I understand what you’re going through’ because it may sound hollow. I walked in for my monthly massage and immediately sensed something was off. Your description of presence is very moving. I am so glad that I found this site. I’m here for you. Allowing this person to share and release is part of the process. And when a partner is depressed, it can have significant impact on a…. You might, at some point, need a break from your friend. Laughter is one of the greatest healers. Ask your friend if they’ve seriously considered suicide. Say something like, “I can’t imagine how hard that is to deal with. Motivational speaker and author, Steve Maraboli says,“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”. All rights reserved. In a few weeks when she still wasn’t returning my calls or emails, I began to get concerned. Our desires are pure. Worldwide, over 300 million adults and children live with depression. They hide deep in the mind. Furthermore, chronic pain can cause feelings such as anger, hopelessness, sadness and anxiety. This gives time for the grieving to take place. This is vital. It can be hard to understand exactly what depression feels like if you’ve never experienced it. If you do feel the need to talk, frame everything as ‘I may be wrong but’ or ‘I could be reading you wrong’ and so on. “It simulates many organs; activates and relieves stress response; soothes tension; improve immune system; relieve pain; and increase personal satisfaction.”. If possible, don’t go it alone. Not in the United States? Not like Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga-at-an-underground-party fun though. This information is not designed to replace a physician's independent judgment about the appropriateness or risks of a procedure for a given patient. Express your concern, listen, but avoid giving advice. And while we often pair this mental illness with emotional pain like sadness, crying, and feelings of hopelessness, research shows…. While we are in a black hole of depression or anxiety, we do not see light. With practice, we can help others in pain. It’s not easy to forgive, but the alternative is an induced lifelong punishment that stumps our growth. Depression doesn’t have a clear recovery timeline. They lead. Taking a little time for self-care can actually be therapeutic. Know your limits around difficult emotions, and make sure you take time to recharge. Learn the Difference, Holiday Depression: How to Beat the Holiday Blues, How to Respond to “Are You Okay?” When You’re NOT Okay, Foods and Supplements to Improve Mental Health, Hip-Hop Artists on Dealing with Depression, Selena Gomez Opens Up About Depression & Anxiety, 5 Things You Need to Stop Telling Yourself if You Want to Improve Your Mental Health, The Mindfulness Guide for People Too Busy to Meditate, How to Improve Sleep: 5 Ways to Find a Sleep Strategy That Works, Work Anxiety: 10 Tips to Manage Anxiety at Work, What You Need To Know About Cocaine and Crack. I said, “Yes,” or “I understand.” She didn’t need me to advise or lecture or rant. Even sending a quick text saying “I’ve been thinking of you and I care about you” can help. Let your friend know you’re there for them. Supporting someone in chronic pain can be difficult. Let them show you where they need to go. Thanks for sharing this experience. We had long established that she didn’t have to be ‘on’ around me, that she was allowed to take off her professional mask, and I my client mask, and we could simply be ourselves with each other; neither of us having to endure the torture of polite pleasantries if we didn’t feel like it. I could picture her exactly, my lovely friend — those long lashes wet, her eyes squinted in pain, her hands shaking as she held the phone. And then, I started to get up and tell her that she didn’t have to massage me. Emotional pain during adulthood may occur due to the end of a relationship, divorce, loss of a loved one, being a victim of crime, substance abuse, retrenchment or loss of employment. But a supportive friendship can be a huge help to people who are suffering from depression. Dr. Depression is a mental illness and like other illness, there is not a set timeline or magic formula to “cure” the patient. Or you can use a piece of rose quartz to cut the cords with love. You follow. ?? Keep in mind that your friend may want to talk about what they feel, but they might not want advice. “When it comes to their care, people have to be OK with the choices they make,” says Ingle. Here's what you should know and how to get support. Leaf explains, “Studies show that helping others can also increase our own healing by up to 63%! In the meantime, they’ll probably have some good days and some bad days. “I cannot believe he came over…. A pattern of canceled plans may lead to fewer invitations, which can increase isolation. In our own discomfort of feeling painful emotions, we try to help others not feel theirs. I read somewhere along the tools for Empaths that you can have a shower as water is supposed to heal the outer energies, I hope that helps? The drive to stand out from the crowd and be special and unique is a mighty one. As Bernat explains, “Despite what you might think, talking to friends and family living with depression can be easy and maybe fun. People living with depression may have a hard time reaching out to friends and making or keeping plans. Encouraging them and supporting them to make that first appointment can be so helpful if they’re struggling. And we should, but privately. She could barely wait for me to get through the door before blurting out, “I’m pregnant!” She and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for a while and finally, she was not only pregnant, she was pregnant with twins! But it doesn’t work that way. Your friend’s pain is what’s real to them right now — and validating that pain is what may help them most. And that way also doesn’t help. We could talk if she wanted, or she could take the extra hour to herself, I’d still pay her. Also, a don’t take it upon yourself to act as their therapist. This is the step most people mess up. Instead, I’m talking about the kind of fun where people enjoy each other’s company effortlessly, no one feels awkward, and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.”, One of the key parts of helping a depressed friend is to be sympathetic but not empathetic. U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES National Institutes of Health National Institute of Mental Health NIMH Identification No. We wish to vanquish the loathsome beast that bit them. The more powerful choice is to simply be with someone, accepting and embracing the painful moment as is, without trying to fix or make it better. confusion, memory problems, or difficulty focusing, frequent mood swings or personality changes, getting rid of belongings or giving away treasured possessions, talking about feeling trapped or wanting a way out, pushing people away or saying they want to be left alone, saying goodbye with more feeling than usual. Across from her, a wax studio. You might offer to stop by every other day or bring a meal twice a week, instead of trying to help every day. Setting boundaries can help. This is not your crisis. Depression is a serious mental health condition that requires professional treatment. Knowing the warning signs for suicide and how to get help can help save lives. Now, if they ask what you think, share — but don’t dump. Don't face mental health challenges alone. I had enough tears for both of us so I told her I’d cry, for her, her girls, and her loss. Friendship is important but it is not a substitute for professional help. You can help reassure your friend by continuing to extend invitations to activities, even if you know they’re unlikely to accept. I turned around and she’s just there and Matt’s not even looking at me — you know that stupid look he gets, and I was on my way to Jesse’s game, and he didn’t even call or check on his kid — our kid, and — what the f**? We love them. Many people experience emotional trauma during their childhood due to a variety of factors such as neglect, abuse, abandonment, or loss of parent. Depression goes beyond simply feeling sad or low. Depression hurts. – Unknown. They don't want to see you suffering. Positive support can let your friend know they do really matter to you. Validate their feelings. On a bad day, your friend might not feel like leaving the house. Avoid assuming a good day means they’re “cured,” and try not to get frustrated if a string of bad days makes it seem like your friend will never improve. Listen. OM 20-4315Revised 2020, The National Institute of Mental Health Information Resource Center, Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern time, M-F, Phone:  1-866-615-6464 TTY:  1-301-443-8431 TTY (toll-free):  1-866-415-8051, Live Online Chat:  Talk to a representative Email:  nimhinfo@nih.gov Fax:  1-301-443-4279, Mail:  National Institute of Mental HealthOffice of Science Policy, Planning, and Communications6001 Executive Boulevard, Room 6200, MSC 9663Bethesda, MD 20892-9663. This fear may result in friends pulling away. Provide that person with time to find joy.